This is a voice montage of Rick and his wife, Carol, sons Alex and Luke, and daughter Kate, sisters Pam and Pat, talking on Friday, September 16, 2016 about family, being, living, dying. And for these few moments excerpted below: Crying.
Rick I like crying now. I didn’t always. The crying didn’t really start until Alex was born (picture to come). Now it seems tears are right under the surface all the time. There's that sense of “Oh geez, here it comes...”—But it’s good. It's telling me that my script is not really in charge. It’s just software running on top of something much deeper.
Luke I like crying.I’ve been been doing some hard crying lately, and I see there is a mindset of crying where it is just so immense. The crying now is not like it was when you are little...wails...sobs...convulsions. I was just crying. I was in this immensity, sitting on my block of wood, and it was so different from the crying when I was younger. Now, there was a joy in it after I cried, and I said, “Wow, that was awesome!” I was opened by it.
Rick Yay, open. Open to the Cathedral, to the sky. That’s the truth. About a year ago I was walking in the John Muir woods after a conference in the area. And I just teared up. It was the Cathedral, all around me, in me…I was alone, so I wasn’t distracted by anything. Strange, but even a good and loving conversation can be a distraction. I was just intensely aware of the Cathedral of life, and that I was a part of it, and could remember that and feel it by my attitude. There you go: it's the Look Up again. There was something about it being just me and the Cathedral that brought the tears.
Carol When my sister died in her 40s, I remember feeling so raw. I remember wondering how people could go about their everyday business and do normal things like plan dinner or go to the grocery store. And I was wondering how we will ever do normal things again. I learned you are never the same, but you can survive it. And I think now how it will be for our kids when their Dad dies. I want them to remember and think of their Dad everyday—and at the same time, to get back to normal. From my perspective as a parent, no one loves our kids more than we do. Even if Rick is not here, they know they are always completely loved. He will be with them everyday.
Kate I know that's true. And I know we will be loved and cared for and feel him. There will be someone to walk me down the aisle....but it won't be my Dad.
Carol I can tell you when Rick's crying time started: it was when that one — (pointing to Alex) — was born, and when you have children, at least for us, everything becomes precious. Just so precious. Of course you cry. The preciousness is so big. I am going to miss so many things about you, Rick, but just having you, your wisdom and your love, being the second person to help parent our children. Rick is so wise. I just wish he’d write down all that wisdom.”
Alex “Like Chapter 10. Should we spank Alex?”
Rick “Not since he’s 25.” And the now weaves tighter. Taut with the bright threads of their joined laughing voices, it fills the Cathedral.